The Santos Mindset

I’ve been reading a few articles on thought catalog lately… and they have been hitting close to home and have got me reminiscing more than I thought was possible. 

First I came across an article about things you learn in your twenties where I read that: “You’ll always care about your first love. That doesn’t make you crazy, it just makes you human. When relationships end, it’s not so cut and dry. You carry everyone you’ve ever loved into every relationship thereafter.” 

This reminded me of my first love and that I still have not been able to start another relationship since. I’ve gone on dates and seen other people, but I always manage to end things before he can get too close. Maybe I’m afraid of moving on, or perhaps I expect every man to live up to a certain standard and each one falls short. 

Then I came across:”Don’t force yourself into loving anyone. If it’s not working in the beginning, it’s probably not going to work ever.”

I find myself in this current situation, I’ve been seeing a young gentleman for quite a while now, yet I honestly don’t see it anywhere. Knowing I need to end it I fear that I will hurt him, but at the same time I know I should not lead him on. I see him falling for me, and I’m not even close… 

Lastly I read an article about an ended relationship and how the other still thinks about their lost lover.”I wonder who will be the next person to see you naked. Who will be the person that gets to put their mouth all over you and see you cum and fall asleep next to you? Will they know that I’ve been there?” 

…I think more about things like this than you’ll ever imagine. I’ve always been jealous and knowing that there is another woman touching you, kissing you, and having you, well it kills me inside. 

I really don’t know what to do. Thinking about August makes me nervous, for I know we might be able to see each other. But then what? It’s just going to be a big tease. He will be mine for a day or so,then he will leave and she will have him again. 

And I’ll be alone, yearning for his touch, kiss, and him…